Eleven years ago

I thought I was a disgusting filthy ho

I’d met much older man named Gunny, one cum in my mouth and the other gave me money.

It was meant to be for petrol, I bought cigarettes and set in motion events i will never forget.

I went home to self created sanctuary or prison, the one place in my life I felt I had known to be myself, years before, a mess now like my head

I returned home, woken up two hours later to find, the sanctuary was gone, burned down to the ground. My home was gone, although I still had somewhere to slept

I thought it was because I had mixed money and sex. I thought it was some sort of cruel punishment or hex

Had I used it for what I said, then my sanctuary and my cat wouldn’t be dead. Some small comfort when she raised her head some hours later…

I dared not tell a soul the truth of what I believed had happened… although I did in my secret double life of meeting men in the night…

Did he keep it to himself? Fuck no

“It’s weird that this man knows your sanctuary is dead” said this person masquerading as my friend, I just ignored them as fear and shame consumed my head

“This man says you sucked his cock”

I was powerless when they said “I have something to ask you”

summoned to confess all my sins, but, I lied as best as I could, whilst trying not to tremble with shock or die on the spot, I felt I had no choice but to deny it, but I couldn’t really hide it

I wanted to take my own life that night more than I ever have, but my dad tried it once and this was on the eve of my mothers birthday, I couldn’t do that to her ten years later…

I was so overwhelmed with shame.. wretched and wrong

Couldn’t admit to it

Having sex with a man

A man older than my own father

I hated myself

Hated my body

Hated what being overweight had done to it

This old man wanted me

He was local

I felt this powerful, consuming urge to go to him

I thought I was disgusting, in some way I thought he was disgusting too and was getting off on it

I also thought he wouldn’t mind a bit of loose skin

I thought I could trust him for some reason, maybe I was just desperate to tell someone how I felt. by the change of season I wanted to hang him for treason

Another reason I wanted to die

Was because I thought I automatically got hiv, from any unprotected anal sex, and the condom broke, and there was blood on me

Later that year

I met another queer, at work

Although I didn’t use that word then it just rhymes now… the only other queer in my real day time work life not my seedy secret night-time shameful lost everything but can’t stop doing it sex life…

He was “out and proud” told his coming out story, things about being gay, struggles in his life, unknowingly shared things that helped… just being himself inspired me, I only just finally told him

I left that job after only a month. Cold dark lonely winter ahead, I felt empowered meeting him but on my own I was shattered and splintered, I had this glimmer of hope though that maybe after all it was ok to be gay…

But it meant by attacking ego was also having a ball

After a messed up nocturnal winter, a new sanctuary with no real energy because it was visited by only me, I finally met a nice guy my age on-line, we actually spent time, taking about things, enjoying each others company, questioning our sexuality

I got a call from my old job, did I want a job? They didn’t realise I ever worked there before, I went back, or started again…

I could manage my fear and anxiety being around men as long as I had a sex binge every few weeks and got it all out of my system, I was happy to be reunited with my queer friend though, who I feel gave me permission, just by being himself to start my own becoming myself mission

He talked about therapy and training as a counsellor, I was always interested in this too, and I found a therapist

the therapy was good

Sex got better

The secrets remained

The double life got easier

Then I met my “saviour”

A rare Someone who wanted me to come back after the first meeting…

This wasn’t unheard of.. but staying over was, so was mixing drugs and sex…

My mind was on high alert, waiting to get found out and hurt…

Over time visits kept recurring, and I was realised I was no longer going to bed, with ideas that I would rather kill myself before coming out every day in my head

With the help of this relationship I did came out

The Thing was I didn’t know what I was coming out into.. a new relationship of controlling accusations, belittlements and lies, of joy and love sometimes too, growth outweighed by pain and destruction, some healing of shame, but way too many games, I had been treating myself so badly I didn’t even realise he was doing it most of the time

Unconscious drug taking, a new hell in the making, with some beautiful times thrown in too,

in rapid painful contrast like I’ve never knew

Five years it lasted, always promised it would get better, especially when we got a house! Well that did help our relationship feel valid, help me feel better about being gay, but for a four bedroom house, built in garage and garden, it felt squalid

Somehow even with all the promises it would get better, it got far worse when we got that house

I got co-erced for the millionth time into taking drugs, I basically ignored him though, I read my new book the highly sensitive person and listened to frozen by Madonna and

had a mystical experience, realised most of the reason for my suffering was the way I still talked to myself and critically the amount of time I spent criticising others, not to mention having finally discovered at the age of 26 I am highly sensitive not weak or shy, opened up to a new concept of spirituality, and found teachings online that spoke to me

He wasn’t about to stop being the way I finally realised I had been,

in fact he was much worse and watching him continue slating everyone he knew was intolerable. I realise now when I was in Thailand, even though I never set foot near a Temple, only an outdoor yoga place he tried to stop me doing to, I got a clear message “learn to meditate” I had done a bit, which had also helped my spiritual shift although I realised it had already been there in my immense creativity

My best friend had moved away from me a year before but was able to be with me by the phone after I-lost-count-how-many-times-but-not-the-final-escape, and my mum convincing me to call her after waking up on her sofa after running away on a night out once I got Laid into and told her he was being abusive

I talked it all through with my friend, all the way from Australia

I went back but she didn’t forget,

I say to her now, I’m writing part of my life story. Thank you for being there when I needed you when I left, and not forgetting about it and checking how I was doing, helping me find the courage and clarity to Leave and get my life going

I went back for a few weeks, in total despair one Saturday day whilst he snorted Coke and watched porn. My confidence in my ability to stand on my own two feet so knocked I vowed to leave but only after I saved up some money were my conditions to be free

I was dealing with lies I had believed like

“You can’t leave, you will have nothing without me”

“ You can’t go back to your parents they will ruin you”

“No one else will want you”

Thankfully the relationship with my mum had Improved to the point where I was willing to risk going to my parents anyway…

The final night, there was a physical fight, half assed pushing, with nothing half assed about the rage or desperate lies…

“Nothing, could be worse than staying here with you, this is as bad as it can get”

I’d managed to pack a bag with most of my clothes, I didn’t stay long enough to get anything else, jumping in my car as he shouted at me in the street

I stopped just down the road, screamed, sobbed, punched the steering wheel, cried like I have never cried in my life,

with relief that I finally listened to the inner voice that had been telling it it wasn’t right

for over four years, relief that I had left and the pain of realising just what I had been through, and screamed and sobbed some more, I didn’t have to lie to myself any more

I felt the full force of five years of denials come to the fore

I felt I had no one to turn to who would understand what had happened, my friends were his friends, others had no idea what had been going on and wouldn’t understand

I cried even more when I finally remembered the existence of my friend he had helped turn me against

I phoned her, she was free, helped me process what happened and affirm I would never go back

I did panic, thinking I had thrown something good away and try 6 months later but he was lying to me within hours and I was gone

I let him keep me away from other people, I left him keep me away from other gays, I only met one I met in five years, apart from his friends we took drugs with sometimes, I realised I had no gay friends of my own when this guy started working with me, and I couldn’t be friends with him either, because I immediately got told all I was interested in was fucking him, and reminded of my ex’s mantra, all gays are scum

He repeated this to me for the final time after I left but was still entangled in a house and mortgage, I said to him, I don’t believe you, I’m going to find out if it’s true,

& if it turns out all gays are scum, then that includes me and you

I never got the result of a test for hiv that I finally took years after the blood incident. I assumed negative when I got no result.

Years of smoking weed, snorting Coke and taking ecstasy and a dose of conspiracy

combined with constant headaches had me paranoid, I thought I was dying sometimes and couldn’t think of getting tested, where would I even say I was going to someone so controlling?!

I got a double dose of new life and freedom when I left him and got tested and it was negative. I found one I wasn’t dying after all and now I was free to live

That didn’t stop the Suicidal thoughts coming with all the fearful programming overwhelming me, I was heartbroken and thought maybe I had ruined my life by leaving him like he said I would

I had no control over my vast and impeccable memory of all the things that ever happened, haunting me daily. I wanted to forget, Gain control, feel sane

Building on the mystical experience I had and my opening to spiritual teachings, I was guided again to learn yoga, but found a five day life changing retreat instead

My painful broken heart was able to feel good again, radiating out love to myself primarily, a radical concept and feeling,

then for my best friend in Australia, radiating out love for strangers and even transmuting hatred and pain for people who had hurt me into love. It was called loving kindness meditation but I know recognise it as divine magic

A memory came back to me to be cleared when I was deep in meditation on the “someone who you dislike section” a friends partner said to me

“The disgusting thing about gays is that they look at there straight mates sexually, I think it is so wrong”

I thought at the time this was where I got this idea from, and forgave him. That helped, realising later on though, all he was doing was mirroring a belief I had about myself, feels like it is completely healed now

I felt guided by angels and still do. The synchronicities at that time revolved a lot around the number 14. I left him on the 14th November. I wanted to do something good in the world and started a three month volunteering period to help fund pure, magically life changing projects in India on the 14th too, helping some of the worse treated people in the world, inspired partly by patron Judi Dench saying

“The degradation of others, is also our degradation”

I wondered at times going out door knocking, what the fuck I was doing, had I just signed up for more abuse?

In some ways I had, but in temporary community, although there was an Element of people pleasing, I was celebrated for my honesty at how hurt I had been, congratulated for my courage and bravery, and able to share my artistic talents in a huge collage about the people we were helping, shrines that got grander and and grander every week, and cooking special meals and baking the odd cake to up morale, and every 14th up until the 14th July, my birthday, felt like a huge milestone

I was recognised for my innocence

Innocence without naivety

A Blessing of others perception of

I would later read in a book called gay spirituality, integrating this made me so happy. I wasn’t scum, there was nothing to hide, hate or despise, it’s not a punishment, it’s a gift

I probably didn’t fully yet believe that yet but

I read about the faeries in this book too

I missed two gatherings for more fund-raising and a month long silent retreat, finding my grounding, finding my feet

It was fucking painful to go almost another year, after my breakup, before finally connecting with my Faerie tribe of amazing queers

I felt the love right away, although scared it could just be projection, my heart opened wide after being found crying by the river, talking to someone about what I been through, never been understood clearer

The magic was real, I truly began to heal , no talent shows, a beautiful initiatory ritual of rebirth in drag for the first time since I hit puberty unable any longer, to ignore the funny looks,

finding all this after trusting what I had read in the book

So many beautiful loving connections, a sacred experience on mushrooms on the dance floor at Featherstone, eating from the earth, dancers all around expressing themselves freely, in a building made of the stones of the land, I felt how pure and innocent and divine we all are

So many beautiful and loving faeries, often injured like I was, maybe still am in many ways, although so healed compared to 11 years ago. So healed compared to 3 weeks ago!

Thanks so much to the tribal connections, love and affection, that is facilitated in our magic Faerie castle, our farm by the heart chakra in Avalon, and actual, real sanctuaries beyond Albion

Now when I have sex there is no shame, I feel it is all healed, and if more comes up, I’ll heal that too

There is another beautiful relationship that has just transitioned into friendship to thank more than anything for this

Sharing ourselves and raw divine ecstatic bliss, relishing in each other, praying, holy, recognising the sacred worship that sex can be, creating a loving exclusive container for exploring this with one another, but Ultimately I found the impossibility of sex with others, a block to connection.

I never thought it could happen

I actually believe the act of sex can be healing, even between men. Between anybody.

I had started thinking that the healing power between men was special.. I think all the different combinations available have their own unique healing frequencies, all as valid as as can be

I definitely didn’t get taught this growing up, all I got taught was that I have sex after getting married to a woman and have babies, and there’s loads of different kinds of sex, but all the other ones are wrong. Something like that. Well it ain’t fucking true, fuck you

Memories of unrequited love came back to me when in the pain of a present connection feeling broken by the arrival of an ex. I realised it was never an unrequited love, it was reciprocated and true. We were both just too afraid to act on our desires, and ended up treating each other Badly, what chance did we stand in a small town with no one to show us the way.

Shifts happened

“He doesn’t like me, nothing will ever happen” “he wouldn’t want to have sex with me”

“they will never find me attractive”

Old thoughts melt away.

I realise that this experience in the past made me feel even more undesirable than I already thought I was, that my thoughts of being undesirable contributed to nothing happening, and when someone came along much older than me, I was too ashamed to admit that I actually enjoyed having sex with them. I had sex with someone almost the same age last week, it helped that he was actually mature and awake and sexy In a really rugged, manly way, but I really don’t give a shit about age now or what anyone thinks, trying to anyway

I felt alone again coming home, but the illusion of separation didn’t last long, existing & new connections are now too strong

Community has become experimental for me, in words of a friend, but it is true for me too

it’s so wonderful to be

Part of this tribe

Changing my patterns of fear and isolation, realising I think

“ I must be alone, I need to be alone”

When I actually need to share with someone how I am feeling

I had glorious new sexual encounters, true intimacy, sex magic exploration, opening up to new ways of relating

I knew multiple partners in just a few weeks or even was nothing to be ashamed of

Sex is healing

Sex is divine

I got to know myself so much more, revealing

Myself so much more

Loving others so much more

Free and open to all kinds of connection, love and affection

I feel the most supported I have ever felt in my entire life, not just by my tribe but by all of life

Even my dad listened to me, shared his feelings, gave me advice, feels like for the first time since I was traumatised at 11 and managed since to forgive him,

feel grateful for him although trying,

but Changing his mind after seeing a picture of me and my sister,

to take his own life

Realised he decided to live for us instead

I’m learning to love and accept myself

My body too

I’ve released so much tension from it the last few years, specially the last few weeks

It looks and feels completely different

Thank you

It’s painful that a phase of one relationship had to end for this to happen, but I’m in the flow

I was judging myself for wanting to “give myself to the Faeries”

Having sexual fantasies and watching a lot of porn

Now I have and I feel reborn

All the Love